It is routine that is getting me through this. An empty, shallow routine, which allows me to tick off the hours each day until I can be asleep again, and the pain inside pauses for a while. I eat, I clean the already clean, I walk Kathy when she does not need walking, I eat again, I clean some more, I eat, I sleep. A routine which stops me dwelling too much on the deafening silence in my flat.
Maureen used to read this. She always said I was lying in it. I said ‘what do you mean, lying? It is all true’. She replied it is true- factually- but I lie about how I feel, I play down my emotions, I sit on fences when I normally do not.
So today I will be true.
This fucking stinks. I have waited all my life for someone; I have two special people come along, who I want to share my life with. First Winnie dies. I get over that- of sorts- and get on with my life, and meet Maureen. She lights me life and makes very other moment seem dark and empty.
Now she is gone too.
As I said, it fucking stinks.
I do not believe in fairness, in karma, in balance. It is what it is.
But this is hard. I feel old, tired, angry, and alone. Alma keeps me company. Kathy loves me as much as a dog could love me.
But I am still alone.
So, Maureen, let me be honest.
I miss you. I value every second we had together, and it breaks my heart to know there will never be another second when we can hold hands and smile at each other.
Tomorrow is just another day- nothing more, it is the same for all of us.
Another shitty, empty day. Without you.
Raymond Williams
Raymond Williams's Diary 