Another tough day

Yesterday was hard. I found it very hard indeed. Every where I turned, everything I did, all I could see and think about was Maureen.

I know this is part of the process. I really want to know what she knows now, and where she is. As I have said before, I am not in anyway religious, but the fact is, she knows now if there is any truth in it all. She knows if heaven exists, if there is an afterlife. Or perhaps she has already been reborn, and is a newly born baby somewhere in the world, waiting for me to come and find her.

Or perhaps, as is more the real case, she is asleep, and knows nothing, and never will do again. To be honest, this causes me the greatest heart ache, thinking she will never wake up, never see the sun. And I will never see her, or speak to her, or hold her hand.

I miss her, I really do. I am trying my best to get into my routine, but am struggling to find one which is working. After all the people who came around on Thursday, yesterday was a quieter one, and once Alma set off after breakfast, it was just Kathy and myself. I knew I was feeling low- tired, maybe- and I should have asked Alma to stay, but she has done so much to help, I felt I couldn’t impose anymore. I took Kathy out, and it all started. Whilst we were walking around the park, I saw a post van, which made me think of when I worked there, with Reg and Ralph. Reg got me thinking about how great a friend he was, and how I hoped he did not mind that I was with his wife; then I remembered, I am not any more, and she is gone. It is hard to keep forgetting she is gone; you suddenly get reminded, and the hurts starts again as if it is the first time.

I wonder if there is an afterlife, if she is back with Reg, reunited. I wonder if I just kept her safe until they could be back together, and he can look after her again. I hope so.

Either way, I don’t know, and I won’t know, until it is my turn to find out.

It was a very hard day.

Yours sincerely

 

Raymond Williams

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Still ill

Poor Maureen is still really ill. She is in the right place, and they are keeping her comfortable, but she is quite weak. The doctors are treating her the best they can, and have upped her medicines, but she is very frail. I have spent most of the day with her, and we had a little chat this morning, but she could not manage much as she was so tired.

The doctor said she is a fighter, and he expects her to pull through this, but he emphasised again that we should not delay the wedding. I came on home tea time, as she seemed to be asleep for the night, and called Alma who came around. She had some wine- I did not fancy any, and we made some more plans for the wedding. She is a strong person, Alma, and has been a great friend to Maureen. Although she is obviously upset about how poorly Maureen is, she said they have known about the problem for a long long time, and they always knew this day would come. As she said, it is just a shame that it is so close to meeting me.

Alma said she loved Reg like a brother, but she can see there is a real difference in the way Maureen feels about me- this is soul mates. I feel all shy about this; Reg was a mate and I do not want to be compared to him, but at the same time, it is nice to hear something like this; mainly because I feel the same. I often think about Winnie, but I know now that Maureen is too my soul mate.

So, we are going back up tomorrow to see her. Maureen is sleeping over in the bedroom (she got a bit drunk!), and I am on the settee. Oh, I popped around and saw Kathy on the way home earlier; she was pleased to see me, but seems happy with Ralph and Ang.

Yours sincerely

 

Raymond Williams

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A day indoors

My wife to be and I have had a quiet day today. Maureen is still tired out from all the excitement of yesterday, so has spent the day in bed. I have been with her for most of it, just getting in and out to potter around the flat, make meals, take Kathy out etc. it had been a showery day, so the thought of missing the outside work has not been too troublesome.
Patrick rang- he saw the engagement news here, and wanted to rung to congratulate us! I did invite him yesterday, but he said he was working. It was good to hear from him; it is not until I hear his voice I realise how much I miss him.
I have been speaking to Maureen about our engagement. I wanted to make sure she never saw it as me replacing Reg. Reg has been gone coming up to 6 years now, and I know she still misses him. She just smiled and said that I was not to worry, Reg would have been made up that she was happy.
I have everything I need to be happy, right here in this flat.

Yours sincerely

Raymond Williams

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Together

Maureen has not been much brighter today, and wanted to stay home, so we have postponed our traditional pension day eat out for lunch. Instead, I went and got us some fish and chips. They were not very warm by the time I had walked home again from town with them, but it was still nice.

I have been thinking about yesterday. It was hard to see my old friend Reg’s things like that. It took me back it did. But I can understand why he meant so much to Maureen- he was a really nice man. Now it is my chance to be with her, for however long we have together; I need to make it count.

So today, I have tried to make it count. We have talked, held hands, and just relaxed together. The rain has fallen outside, and us 3- including Kathy!- have just been with each other.

It has been a nice day.

Yours sincerely

Raymond Williams

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The Past

After cooking her breakfast yesterday, Maureen stayed in bed. I think she was coming down with the cold I had last week, and she looked dreadful, pale and sweating. I told her to stay there, and I ran around after her, like she did with me last week. I took Kathy out for a walk, and tidied, and made her food. I felt like Florence Nightingale! Last night, we had some piano music on the stereo, and I looked through my old post office books, and she lay there resting.

This morning she was still not much better, so I flipped up to town. I went into the bank to check my money- Andrew was busy, so I saw Mark, but he said he was busy as well. I am not sure why they were so busy, there was no one else in there!

Anyway, I have done well the last couple weeks, and still have more than enough to last me until tomorrow. So I then went to Iceland and got some pies, and bought them home.

After making Maureen some lunch I said I would slip up to her house at Chanters Hill, and sort her bungalow out. She has sold it recently,so everything has to be boxed up; well, she is too poorly to do it.

So Kathy and I set off. It is a 15 minute walk (up a hill!), but we were soon there. It must be said, I have not spent much time in the bungalow, as she has always come down to me. It is a lovely place, but I can sense Reg everywhere. It is still, even after all these years, almost a shrine to Reg. I liked Reg a lot- we used to work together in the post office- but this all was a bit creepy. Reg died about 6 years ago, and here were all the pictures, and his things hanging in the wardrobe, like he had only flipped down the shop.

Well, it made me feel a bit weird, so me and Kathy walked out. It was raining quite heavy but we went for a nice long walk. I needed time to think. If she still loved him like that, why is she with me? I was beginning to think that I had got it all wrong. What was I doing with her- when she still loved Reg? Am I being fair to Reg?

Before I had known it, we had been walking for 3 hours, and Kathy was tired. I was soaked through to the skin, so we got back to the flat. Kathy fell asleep straight away, and I had to have a bath. As I was running it,  I checked on Maureen, who was still in bed, fast asleep. She looked so peaceful, and despite being ill, she looked happy.

Then I realised what I am doing.

It is Maureen. And I love her. And in time, she will love me.

But for now, she is here, with us. And that is enough.

Yours sincerely

 

Raymond Williams

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Head cold

Another day of not a lot happening. Woke up with feels like a head cold, so have been sat down taking it easy. Maureen slipped out to Lidls and got us some pies for lunch; she also came back with a new mop they have there on sale. She has been moaning about mine for months now!

When she got back, the phone rang; it was the estate agents, it looks like she may have sold her house. That’s good news; she will then come and live here full time with Kathy and I. If I was not feeling so rough, I would do a little dance!

After Reg passed away, Maureen and I spent more and more time together. She helped me greatly when Winnie passed away, and we enjoy each other’s company immensely. She is simple and uncomplicated- exactly how I like it. To have the chance to live together full time officially would be lovely.

I have spent the day dozing in front of the news. Mick Jaggers girlfriend has passed away- she was tall!- and they still can’t find that missing aeroplane. I ask you- how can you loose an aeroplane? The Russian situation is a worry though. I don’t trust Russia at all.

So i am sat here, with a whiskey in my hand, trying to clear it out of my head. We wanted to pop out on the bus tomorrow; will have to see how I feel.

Yours sincerely

Raymond Williams

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Reg’s funeral

I thought that it went well today. Over 50 people came, including Ralph and myself. It was a bit disappointing that no management was there from the Royal Mail; Reg gave over 25 years of his life for the postal service, and they could not send anyone as a representative. I guess that it is just a sign of modern management.

The church service went well; I think that the vicar obviously knew Reg well, by his comments. The cremation was a more sobering affair- it always makes me fill with tears when they draw the curtains- it all seems so final. I guess that is because it is.

Afterwards we went back to Maureen’s, Reg’s widow, for a cup of tea. Ralph and I commented on how although Reg always talked about Maureen- a lot- we had never actually met her. It must be said, she really is lovely. A fine head of dark hair, and eyes that light the day- Reg was a lucky, lucky man.

At the house, we each were recollecting our memories of Reg. I told of the time that I woke up late for work- Reg had come around before his delivery, and rang my bell, to get me up. He was always thinking of other people.

This lead on to Ralph’s memory. Reg had been doing his round, when he found a young boy of about 4 playing football outside his house. The boy was playing happily- Reg liked football, so he watched him for a bit. 

A car came too fast around the corner, and ran over the young lad’s ball. The boy was heart broken- even his Mother could not stop the lad’s tears.

Reg was having none of this. He went straight to the local shop, and bought the boy a new football- from his own money. He went back and gave it to the boy, who was made up.

All these year’s later, the boy plays for Barnstaple Town. Some of this would have been down to Reg’s care and generosity.

After the funeral, having shared our goodbyes, I shared Ralph’s taxi back to his house, and then walked home. I pondered my life, the absences of much successes, and where I am going. Funeral’s do make you think about such things.

I turn 70 next year; which basically means, I have on average 2 Olympics left in me. That’s not very long. I am single- the only girlfriend I have had, I have lost to her next door neighbour in a golf club incident.

Basically, if I want to achieve something- anything- I need to do it now. And bloody quick too.

Yours sincerely

 

Raymond Williams

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Tired

Have been tired all day- I think the events of last night have caught up on me. I did not get to sleep until at least 2am, and was up at 7am; I simply can’t do that anymore, like I could when I was young.

Pensions day- I got to the bank at 9am to see Neil, and he was not there. I spoke to someone called Rob- who told me that Neil was on holiday; he offered to help, but it would have been the same. I will have to check my pension next week when Neil gets back.

Whilst in town, I got a new black tie and white shirt, for the funeral tomorrow. It’s in the church in town, and then at the crematorium; I think we can go back to Reg’s house for a cup of tea. I am meeting Ralph just before; he is catching a taxi down.

After clothes shopping, I went across to Iceland and got some food; got some more pies, I enjoyed those last ones. Then into Sacks for my lunch and home again.

When I got home, I checked the answerphone- no messages. She has not rang me, and I won’t get to ring her today.I think it is best that we let things lie for a couple days, to let me calm down.

I see that my entry this morning has a comment on it, this time from Marko.

With hindsight, I think that you may be right; but it was a strange thing to see- your so called girlfriend sat with someone at 10.30 at night, drinking your own cider- when they should have been with you! Getting tense again, just thinking about it. I just did not know what to do- on the television, they have a fight, and it is sorted out- I am just not that type of person. I hoped that Winnie would be pleased to see me- I wonder if she feels responsible for what happened, and is looking after Gerald out of embarrassment? What do you think?

Thank you for all your comments though so far- I am surprised that anyone has managed to find this diary with all the sites on the internet!

I am off to bed now. I want to be fresh for tomorrow- for Reg.

Yours sincerely

Raymond Williams

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Home alone

Back home again. Alone.

Friday night went well. Winnie and I had a bottle of cider, and watched Big Brother. We were both amazed that Rachael won! I almost wish that I had voted now, to make sure she did not win. We both just found her dull and boring- and both thought that Mikey should have won.

Saturday we spent together, doing a bit of washing, and tidying up. We went for a walk around Capstone in the afternoon- very bracing.

Last night, we snuggled up and watched Pretty Woman on video. It’s one of Winnie’s favorite films- she says she has watched it more than 100 times. I have not watched it that many times, but it is still a great film.

This morning I woke up, and was going to go downstairs to make us a cup of tea, when I heard a noise. Winnie’s late husband was a keen golfer, so she told me to take down one of his golf clubs, which were in the wardrobe, and see where the noise was coming from.

I crept downstairs- I don’t mind admitting, my heart was in my mouth, and I was beginning to sweat. I got to the bottom of the stairs, and I could see that there was someone was in the kitchen. I couldn’t make out who it was- my heart was beating so fast I don’t think I knew my name at that point!

I could see them go into the fridge, so I ran out and swang the golf club for all my worth! It struck the fridge door, and bent the shaft of the club. The intruder fell to the floor, obviously shaken. 

‘Gerald!’ shouted Winnie, who had come down after me. The intruder was Gerald, the next door neighbour! I had to sit down, well, my heart was beating so fast, I was feeling light headed. 

It turns out that Gerald and Winnie have keys to each other’s houses, ‘just in case’. He had ran out of milk, and thinking that Winnie was in Barnstaple with me, he had crept in to take some of hers, and replace it later after he had been to the shops.

What he actually got was a golf club nearly wrapped around his head. It was only because I managed to spectacularly crumble under pressure and swing the club randomly that he now has he head attached to his ex-army body.

I went nuts! I think the adrenaline kicked in, and I picked him up, and threw- yes threw!- him out of the back door. We could have been doing anything! How dare he what is tantamount to break in and entry! 

Winnie, in return to my control of the situation, went just, if not more, mad than I had. She said that I had over reacted- she’s the one who told me to use the golf club! I wanted to stamp loudly walking down the stairs to frighten them off!

She said that I owed Gerald an apology! AN APOLOGY! I ask you- I was defending her honour and her property!

I was having none of it. I let her know- quite bluntly- that I was protecting her from a potential bugular and rapist, and that as her partner, I demand some respect. I then went upstairs, got dressed, and walked out. I left my coat in her hallway, but she ran after me and threw it at me. She said that I should apologise for nearly killing him. I said I will not and walked off. How dare she take his side!

I got straight on the bus, and came home. I was shaking I was so angry! When I got home, I had to have a stiff drink,  to settle my nerves.

I checked my answer phone, to see if she had rung and said sorry; there were 2 messages there. One was from Patrick, who said that he could not now come up for dinner (I had forgotten that he was supposed to come up!), and one from Ralph.  

He had a call; Reg, who we both worked with at the Post Office, had just passed away. We knew he was ill with cancer for some time, but did not realise that he was so bad. The funeral is this Wednesday, so we both agreed to go.

This kind of put some perspective on the events of the day. I ran a bath, and lied down to contemplate the happenings. Yes, it was only Gerald; but if it had been a real rapist, I would have been a hero. Now as it stands we have a disgruntled neighbour, and a big dent in the fridge door.

I will ring Winnie in the morning, to see if she has calmed down. Right now, I am off to bed- it has been a very long day, and I am exhausted.

Yours sincerely

 

Raymond WIlliams

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